Being a woman, I realize from my own awareness’s and other women around me that we think we are valuable and lovable for things that we do or a status that we hold. Are we really only lovable if we have a great job that brings in substantial income, raise outstanding children,  keep a clean home or prepare meals like an iron chef? Perhaps the mind  tells us to fulfill one of these things or something different. What does your mind tell you? Perhaps there is a list of things that the mind is telling us to accomplish and THEN we will be lovable. What does that mean exactly? What does it really mean to be lovable? Is it that we are finally worthy to find ourselves as good and whole? Is it that we are finally able to accept a compliment without brushing it away? I remember I used to respond to the question “what do you do” with, “I am JUST a stay at home mom,” and I would feel bad about it! There was something inside of me that said that “job” wasn’t good enough. What did I have to do to become lovable and worthy? Would me working make me more acceptable and lovable? What if I had no job and no kids and my husband supported me, am I worthy of love?

What I have become aware of is that we are only love and when we don’t see ourselves as such we are blocking ourselves from seeing it. We don’t have to do anything to be worthy of love. I believe we are all a sliver of God, the Divine, Source, whatever you would like to call it. We as souls, wandering around on this planet are all part of God, who is only unconditional love. So if I am created from unconditional love, this would mean that I am love. The question is, why do I feel so bad about myself?

It’s because we learn at a young age that “we are bad,” “we make mistakes,” “we do something ‘wrong’ and get punished” etc. Well my friends, it’s all an illusion. Our minds go haywire leading us to believe “it” knows how to make us fit in, feel acceptable and become lovable. We must listen to our minds. It’s not true!

It’s time we realize that WE ARE ALL a part of God and the only reason we ever feel bad about ourselves is because we have simply forgotten that. If we are not living a life everyday looking in the mirror saying “I love you” it’s our mind telling us “not yet…you will be lovable when….” THIS IS NOT TRUE! In fact it’s impossible! We are already love! Accept this fact! What I realized is that it was ME that was blocking myself from feeling acceptable and lovable. No one else had that power over me, it’s how I THINK I am seeing myself in the world.

Is the person living on the streets as a homeless person and a socialite in NYC deserve any more or less love? Each person is simply having a different GOD experience. God is flowing through both people, having beautiful experiences in both scenarios. Life is just a series of experiences and we are lovable in each and every one of them.

The mind tends to term something as bad or unlovable if what you are doing or how you are living is not meeting the minds (ego) expectations.

How do we break this?

Ask yourself one question…

“What do I have to do or when will I become lovable?”

I encourage you to really sit with this question and find your truth on it.

The answer may surprise you…you might already be lovable.

Fill in the blank…What do you THINK will make you happy? So many of us get on that hamster wheel of happiness only to hit dead end after dead end.

It seems happiness can come briefly then we go on a hunt for it again. How do we make it stick?

I myself look back and thought (like most girls) that getting married will make me happy, then the build-up of the wedding happens and it’s bliss, bliss, bliss. After the wedding, “normalcy” sets in then I said, “Time for a baby!” Then a new bigger car to accommodate all of these babies and stuff.

Every “new” thing that happens in our lives brings a burst of (temporary) happiness and joy then normalcy sets in.

Our ego/mind is on a quest,  promising to find happiness for us and continues to find new things to create what it thinks is the end of the road, true happiness, then that too fades. Then the search goes on again.

In the last 15 years, we have lived in 5 houses, ranging from inexpensive to very expensive and we have rented and owned. I was no more or less happy because of any of those houses. We have had money in the last 15 years and almost lost all of it a couple years ago, same feelings-no more or less happy with our without money.

So what is the answer!??

As the saying goes…”Happiness in an inside job.”

This could not be more true. It does come from inside and not the mind. Our ego/mind thinks it knows the way to happiness and sends us like a dog chasing its’ tail to find it, but we never do.

So how do we find true happiness?

We get off the treadmill and spend time in the moments of life. When we appreciate the small stuff we find that is where the most giant happiness is hiding but we look above and beyond it, in search of something bigger.

It’s when we finally slow down and notice that it’s right in front of us and always has been.

When we stop in the moment and appreciate, we find joy.

For example, when the person at the grocery store is struggling to get out the door with her hands full and we stop and hold the door for her and she responds, “Thank you so much,” with eye contact, we must stop to feel that response. In the feeling is when we know we are experiencing joy and happiness.

When my sister sends me a card for no reason at all, just to say hi and that she loves me, I sit in the moment and feel that. THAT brings me joy and happiness.

My son has a unique good night kiss that’s just for me and him. When we are done, I look in his eyes with such love and gratitude. THAT brings me tremendous joy.

How about noticing our beautiful outside, nature, look at the flowers, beautiful trees or even a plant in your house!

There is so much to stop and notice that we miss because we are looking elsewhere.

Many of us live life so unconsciously, we don’t know if we are happy, sad or just existing. If you are an “existers” why not exist with happiness and joy instead of just living the routine of life?

In the moments of life, when we can stop, notice and feel the joy and happiness we find that those moments begin to grow. Before we know it we are walking around most of the day just being happy and we don’t even know why.

What’s happens is in those mini moments of joy, we rest in the heart and the heart is where God (or something greater than us) resides. Ultimately we are connecting to God every time we stop, notice and feel and taking power from the ego.

It’s time to lessen the power our ego’s have over us, alert it that it’s not in charge anymore. True happiness awaits, it’s waiting for us in the heart.

Many of you have asked me if the stories in the previous post “I Challenge You,” were real or made up. They are ALL REAL!

I realize that it’s hard to believe that by spending 2 minutes (or less) a day feeling gratitude/appreciation about someone or something we can change relationships with whomever or whatever we are focusing on. BUT, in 2 words…THIS WORKS! I have had countless examples come in since I wrote this blog post.

BUT HOW?

When we focus on something and hold appreciation/gratitude for it we are actually filling our bodies with more light. When we fill up with more light energy we then attract more light to us.  Simply stated, light energy is love energy. Because the law of attraction is always in force, just as the law of gravity is always in force, when we fill ourselves with love we can then only attract more love into our lives! Remember, like attracts like. It’s a real simple formula and works very quickly.

THE DILEMMA

It’s difficult to spend time focusing on the good in someone we don’t have a great relationship with, let alone that we are upset with. Our ego/mind makes us question ourselves with ideas like, “Why would you feel love let alone gratitude for someone that has hurt you?” “Don’t let them “win” this, they need to be punished!” Our ego/mind finds a ton or reasons to keep us “right” but the problem is, whether we are right or not, it keeps us stuck where we are. We remain unhappy, uncomfortable and miserable when we think of this person,  unable to move into a healthier relationship with the person we are wanting to heal the relationship with!

DON’T BE RIGHT, BE HAPPY!

So stop being right and simply be happy. The way to be happy is to spend as little as 30 seconds to 2 minutes a day on someone or something you would like to have a changed relationship with. THIS WORKS! When your mind wants to drift back into being right or not thinking thoughts of gratitude because the mind says the other person needs to be punished GO TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE of gratitude/appreciation with them.

MY EXAMPLE

I myself have had an extremely difficult 2 months with a family member. My sister and I are dealing with some family issues that are  related to an uncle that brought much unhappiness to our family (our entire childhood) that we now have to take care of. He has dementia so he treats us badly much of the time which makes it extremely difficult to continue to do what we are doing for him. We continually hear how disappointed he is in us and angry he is. It begins to wear on us after a point.

After the first few weeks, my sister and I began to hit road blocks with insurance companies, realtors, dmv  and other people and companies we were working with on behalf of my uncle. I realized that after a few weeks of my uncle yelling at us and being so ungrateful we began to speak negatively of him and WE WERE CREATING THESE ROAD BLOCKS!

I recommended we find something we can appreciate about him, anything. This was difficult for us as our childhoods with him did not provide much if anything to be grateful for. BUT, we sat with it and found a couple things. My sister chose to see herself fishing with him and my father when she was 5 years old. I chose to see myself on his shoulders while water skiing like I used to do when I was 8. Those 2 experiences brought us joy. We began to focus on these whenever a negative thought would come in and we wanted to complain about him. Things began to turn around in days for us, everything began to fall into place. It was magical and amazing how fast things changed.

We learned such a great lesson in those few weeks. We learned how quickly we can change our lives with thought.

KEY POINTS

1. Our thoughts and words manifest experiences extremely quickly.
2. We MUST stop talking about anything negative as it will create more negativity.
3. Find the “happy place” and hold that gratitude for 30 seconds to 2 minutes, even when that other person is not being nice to us. THIS alone can change our lives.

Don’t say “I don’t have time to do this.” It’s honestly 30 seconds a day. Who doesn’t have 30 seconds to change their lives? We spend hours at the gym every week to change our bodies but we won’t stay in bed an extra 30 seconds to a minute and focus on positives or appreciation to change our relationship with someone? By sticking with gratitude, we are living a life from love and can only bring more love in, it is law. LOVE =LOVE.

My goal is to spend as much time living in balance as possible. Being that we are human and have ego’s that feed us fear based thoughts we all get thrown off from time to time.

What I have learned that helps is to have a “Default Thought” when we feel ourselves begin to slide emotionally. A default thought is a thought we can  immediately go to when something causes us to slide out of balance emotionally.

It can be a place in the past, present, future or even a made up place. We imagine that place when anything throws us emotionally. It will help us to disassociate from the situation causing us stress and bring us back to balance.

Buddism teaches us that when something happens in our experience, we need not let it “hook us,” to pull us in, to get lost in it feeling like we can’t get out.  When it “hooks us,” we begin to slide down the emotional scale, drowning with the emotion. We then reach for something to pull us out like food, alcohol, tv to numb our pain. We can accomplish the same relief in a positive way when we pull in our default thought.

Research has shown that a human emotion lasts only 1.5 minutes and it’s released. If we are feeling anything after 1.5 minutes, we are choosing to hold it unto ourselves.

Many people ask me how to let go of thoughts or emotions that are painful. This is one way to do this. It’s not as much about us letting them go or pushing them away it’s about changing our minds and focusing on something else. Then our distressing thought fades.

I have a friend who works as a teacher in a very rough inner city high school with gangs and lots of daily fighting. It is extremely difficult for my friend to pull herself out of bed and go to school everyday as every day is a challenge. I told her she only has 2 more months left but those 2 months feel like 10 years to her. I asked her if there was ever a time this year when she had a rewarding experience, one that made her smile and made her feel really great inside. She said yes, however there were just a few. I asked her to to focus on just one experience and how great it made her feel and when her thoughts guided her down a path of hating her job and couldn’t bare the thought of another day etc. I told her to force herself to think of that one experience that made her feel good (her new default thought). By doing this, the vibration of her being will shift into another emotional place, a new, balanced, peaceful and maybe even happy place.

Spend some time finding your default thought. It could be anything that evokes a feeling of peace, joy and/or happiness. It could be the day you met your true love, the birth of your child, a favorite place, a spot in nature, the ocean, a beautiful field of flowers, a tree where you used to sit under as a kid, laying in your bed. It could be anything.

After you find your default thought, practice “going there” even when you are not feeling emotionally out of balance. Then when you feel yourself slip and need to regain balance, quickly pull up your default thought. Close your eyes and be in your default thought. Spend as much time as you need in that thought. Tune into your body and notice if there is any tension left. If there is, sit longer, if not then continue on with your day. It will change your emotional state to that of more peace. Who doesn’t want to live with that?

When we speak in absolutes like these we limit ourselves, which creates anxiety because we feel stuck, like there is no way out. We all use them. Here are a few examples:

• I will NEVER lose this weight!
• I ALWAYS lose at this game.
• ABSOLUTELY not!
• I would NEVER take a chance on that, it’s too risky.
• If you EVER talk to me like that again…

There are many others that we use but you get the idea.

These words limit us, limit our potential. We must make every attempt to become aware of when we are speaking with absolutes. They are powerful words and very limiting to the creation of our future realities.

Re-read the statements from above or look at some of your own and question them.  This is how we must speak to ourselves (and others) when these words slip out.

For example:

• I will NEVER lose this weight!  Never??
• My husband is ALWAYS late, it make me so mad!   ALWAYS??

When we question the absolute, we find that it’s not true! This powerful act of simply questioning the statements that we make to ourselves and others can relieve created anxiety. Anxiety is born from the future feeling hopeless and having no control over it.

Becoming aware of our speech, listening to what we are saying and dropping or questioning the absolutes will help in shifting our emotional states. The ego/mind likes absolutes and chooses to use them often, it’s very limiting. Without absolutes we can be hopeful and even optimistic about our futures.

Feel this statement in the heart center,  “I will never lose this weight!” This is when we would question this statement, “Never?”  “Well, maybe just not right now, it just feels hard today.” “Maybe someday but not now.” “Maybe if I hired a trainer or joined a gym that would help.” “If I even walked 20 minutes for 3 days a week I am sure it would help me drop a few.” “Maybe never is the wrong word.”

Every statement we make creates our future. Don’t allow absolutes to limit your future. Release absolutes from your vocabulary and realize that sky is the limit for creation of our realities; we just have to pay attention to what we are saying and challenge the limiting words we are using.

We all want something…more money, a better relationship with someone, our boss to like us, more friends, weight loss, to overcome a fear, something. Take your pick.

What we typically do is want and wait for “it” to happen. When “it” doesn’t happen we give up and go back to things the way they were. Many of us even say, “I tried but it didn’t happen for me.”

One way to make some serious changes in our lives is to “Act As If” we have already accomplished our goal. Let nothing get in our way, let no one sway us otherwise, just do it.

If we want that better relationship with our husband, it won’t happen automatically. First decide what you want:  More communication, more sex, intimacy, pick one. Think then for a moment how you would react or treat him differently when your desires are met. Imagine in your mind him treating you as you desire and how you will react to that. Then continue acting as if he is treating you this way and continue living this way. Acting as if…

Another example is money. If you want more money in your life, imagine for a moment how you will feel when more  money comes in. How will you emotionally live differently? How will you feel? How will you speak? Act this way, maintain that feeling and just watch as the income shifts.

The reason for this is that we are a (vibrational) match to everything in our lives. The Law of Attraction teaches us that like (vibrations) attract like (vibrations). If we don’t have enough money in our life experience it’s because we are holding beliefs that state we won’t have enough money.

If we have a relationship with our mate where we lack intimacy, there is something within us that states intimacy is unsafe or something our spouse should instigate, or some other belief. It’s something within US that is causing US to get exactly what is in our life, good or bad. If we don’t like what we have in our life experience WE must shift OUR thoughts/feelings about it, which shifts our inner vibration.

Here’s how we do it:

Ask yourself:
1. How will I emotionally feel when “X” happens? How will I act/react to things differently in my life experience after “X” happens?
2. Begin to live this way, as if “X” has already happened!
3. Watch your life begin to change as your desire becomes your reality.

What happens is we become a (vibrational) match for our desired outcome. This is true manifestation. Most of us want the outcome to happen first THEN our mood and attitude will change. We must change our attitude and reactions first and then watch our desires manifest.

To Act As If takes quieting our ego, it means we don’t listen to that inner voice when it says, “But he/she is wrong.” “He/She makes no effort, why should I?” “This is too hard, I’m not doing it.”

Try this empowering act  for a week and you will be surprised with the outcomes you can produce just by Acting As If. After a month, you too will wonder how things can change and manifest so quickly. Put yourself to the test, it will be well worth the effort. I guarantee it.

In my meditation this morning, I was sitting in silence and began asking a few questions about my day and how I may serve. I immediately “knew” the answers. It happened so quickly it amazed me.

I realized that all of life’s answers are in the present moment because this is where God sits and waits, patiently, lovingly and without judgment, for us to come and merge with him.

When we sit present moment and stop our thoughts, we begin to feel and remember we are part of something MUCH greater. We merge with the divine and we remember there is no separation, only the oneness. It is the ego that wants us to believe we are separate, not worthy, not good enough, not loveable etc. and wants to pull us away from the silence, the oneness.

I was amazed at what I automatically just knew this morning. Even more than what I knew it was the feeling that came over me, the calmness and peace. God emerges through us and we step into the all knowing stream of truth. All of the answers and wisdom that we seek are sitting there waiting for us in the present moment.

My 12 year old recently saw an old friend that he hadn’t seen in over a year. He was excited to see his friend but after spending just 30 minutes with her he said he felt really tired and was having a hard time hanging out with her (because of the fatigue). When he commented to me about the fatigue I asked him to contemplate what he was thinking/saying to himself, and sent him back to play. I knew intuitively that he was not physically tired but that it was an emotional/energy drain.

On our way home, I asked him to go back to the time period when he felt tired with his friend. (I wanted to use this as a real life learning example for him.)

I asked him to think back to what was going through his mind and what he was feeling.  Of course at first his response was, “I don’t know.” My response was yes you do know, now sit with it and get your thoughts and feelings around that time period.

Sure enough, he said to me, “I felt like I might get judged by her.”  I exclaimed, “Perfect!” “What else?” I asked him to reflect on if he felt: too young, too short, too skinny, hair too short, not good enough etc.

He answered, “Yes, a lot of those things.”

I let him know that the ego/mind is in charge of keeping us safe. It is the part of us that tells us that someone else is judging us and what they are ‘probably’ saying and that we need to get out of there FAST! My son wanted to stay but the ego/mind was screaming, “Red alert! Judging! Get out of here and fast!” But he stayed and got fatigued because his energy drained out of his emotional body. Too ‘scary’ to stay, to painful to be judged were probably the thoughts that were coming to him (consciously and subconsciously).

I reminded him how ‘tricky’ the ego can be and that so much of what it whispers to us is not true. It’s our job to disagree with the ego mind and only put in statements that are positive and empowering and not buy into the limiting beliefs such as what happened to him.

At 42 years old, I, like all of us deal with the ego mind. I loved this example of how it sneaks up on us and can create fatigue. Empower yourself with your thoughts and watch your energy amplify in minutes.

I looked around my house at all the laundry, the dishes, the cleaning up, the office that needs cleaning, filing, my voice mails, my emails that I haven’t looked at in 2 weeks and more, and asked myself, “How will I ever get all of this done?” The more I looked around the more rapidly my heart was racing and I realized that I felt anxiety! So much to do and not enough time…I then stopped myself and said, “What happened to me?”

I then realized that it had been 2 months since my last blog post, 6 weeks since my last true meditation and a week since my last deep breathing session. And what do you know…I feel out of balance! I asked myself how did I get here and realized how tricky the ego/mind can be. I remember so many times hearing myself say, “Oh, I need to write about THAT,” and “Wow, I really need to meditate or do my breathing.” And what I would inevidably hear every time was…”Later…”

When the ego takes over (or when we allow it to take charge) it feels that we need to “do” more and more to feel good and feel calm. The problem is that it’s the exact opposite! We need to stop what we are doing and meditate for 5 minutes or do some deep breathing or just STOP the treadmill we are on and just be for a few moments. It’s in these moments of “nothingness” that we find peace and regain balance. When we don’t stop, we fall out of balance. The ego/mind has it backwards it tells us to do more, go, go go, don’t stop!

It’s amazing to me how quickly we can fall out of balance when we don’t take time for ourselves. One of my favorite things to do is to write and it would wind up last on my list!

I have learned a lot about balance in the last 2 months and now feel grateful for the experience as I can write about it. We all have our things that will pull us out of balance if we let them. Meditatation/breathwork/quiet time is like hitting reset on our computers, clearing the slate. It lets the ego/mind release the grip it has on us and our to do list. It allows for us to hear our own God given guidance, our intuition to guide us to what we do next and what we cross off our list next.

This piece is partly a review of Eva Hoffman’s book Time. But Father Martin Boland frames this with his own reflections:

We can become so focused on busyness and speed that we begin to lose a proper sense of ourselves. Individuals can feel that their lives are “spinning out of control” or worse, are about to “break down”. The common response to the question, “How are you?”, has become “I’m busy.” We define ourselves in terms of frenetic activity. At the same time, other aspects and dimensions of our life (family, friendship, the social and the spiritual) are eroded by the constant pressures on our time. “We are money rich, but time poor.”

We MUST stop for ourselves and reset. It will create more time, but more importantly peace and bring us back to balance.

How often do we hear, “How does that make you feel?” versus “What do you think about…?”

When we begin asking ourselves “How does this make me feel” throughout the day we begin to shift our energy into the right brain, the intuitive, feeling part of our brain. This is where we connect into our essence, our soul, God. This question pulls our energy from the head and places it in our heart.

Many of us sit with unanswered questions about a relationship, a job, moving etc. we try so hard to ‘figure it out’ (which puts our energy in the head) when all we need to do is ‘sit with it’ in the heart and feel our truth. When we choose to feel something we get the answer from our divine essence, our soul, it’s the highest truth. We cannot get it wrong.

Start asking yourself, “How does this make me feel?” then come up with your feeling. Just be with it. There is nothing to ‘do’ with it. When we feel like we would like to take action or tell someone etc. we have shifted back into our left brain, our logical side, we have given power to the ego to take over. The ego reacts from fear, this will get us nowhere. Staying in the heart is the most empowering choice we can make for ourselves.

I noticed while stopping at a red light yesterday, I (unconsciously) picked up my cell phone. I was going to read a text and email. I instead sat there, radio off, put the phone down and asked myself ‘how do I feel?’ I was surprised to find that I felt uncomfortable with sitting there doing nothing! So I sat with my ‘uncomfortable’ feeling. This feeling dissipated after a minute and then I felt neutral. I was so excited that I pushed through! It was incredibly empowering. Every other red light I came to I just sat, present moment and was ‘with’ myself, completely. It felt amazing!

We can’t minimize the little moments like the red lights. We must find present moment and stay in our feeling place with the big moments and small. In our society we have a million things that can distract us and pull our attention away from the present moment, cell phones, texting, emails and computers are some of the biggest.

By continuing to ask ourselves this question, neurological pathways will re-route in the brain. Before you know it you will not have to think to ask yourself this question, it will become automatic.

When we are with our feelings, good or bad, we will stop reacting to what people say or do. The moment we react, we have given our power away, no one can take our power, it is only given. Sit and feel to find your truth, and hold your power. Ask yourself the question, “How does this make me feel,” and change your life forever.